The Rider of Amestris
by Emerald Tiara
Summary: When the Homunculi interrupt a transmutation, everybody is sent to Alagaesia...Ed finds a dragon egg, Roy and Al are with the Varden, Winry, Riza and Envy stay with the elves, and the Homunculi are working with Galbatorix. EragonFMA crssover.
1. An Interrupted Transmutation

**Okay peoples, this is my first FMA story, so if it's horrible, please tell me.**

**Chapter One: An Interrupted Transmutation**

"Are we all here?" Roy asked.

Ed looked around. Riza and Roy were standing next to him, Winry was leaning against a wall and Al was sitting on the floor next to him, human once more. "Remind me why all you people wanted to watch me try to get back my limbs?"

"Because," yawned Roy, "I wanted to see if anything actually happened."

"I want to be here to brag that my brother actually is good at something," explained Al. Ed grinned.

"I need to be here in case you break your automail, _again_," glared Winry.

Riza shrugged wordlessly.

"Okay then, I guess I'd better start…" But as he clapped his hands and placed them on the elaborate transmutation circle inscribed on the floor, the door slammed open.

"Alright, where's the Fullmetal Pipsqueak?" yelled a certain green-haired Homunculus.

The other six followed behind him. "Envy!" yelled Lust. "You can't kill Fullmetal! We still need him!"

"Calm down, Envy!" screamed Wrath. "Your own personal grudge isn't worth it!" He grabbed Envy's arm, but Envy shook him off.

Ed would have stopped them, but he was just a bit preoccupied, seeing as how he was caught up in a transmutation. Envy turned his arm into a blade and began slashing furiously at anybody in his way. The result:

Ed, Winry, Riza, Roy, and Al slashed to pieces. The Homunculi would have been, too, but they just kept regenerating.

In a blinding flash of light, probably feedback from the screwed-up transmutation, everybody found themselves in a, well, a Somewhere. The Somewhere was a large yellowy place, with a doorway in it.

Riza looked around, shrugged again, and aimed her gun at the Homunculi.

"Okay…where are we?" asked Winry, Pride, Sloth, and Roy at the same time.

Wrath was screaming at the sight of the Gate.

"Aww, crap," groaned Ed. "See what you've done, Envy? You messed up the transmutation and now we're at the Gate."

"Shut up, pipsqueak," growled Envy.

With a loud creak the Gate opened, and everybody was pulled forward by multiple black tentacles into the Gate.

The whole group blacked out.

When Ed awoke, he was in a small forest, and an old man and a teenage boy were standing over him. The old man looked wary, the boy looked confused. A large blue reptilian THING—Ed could only guess what it was—was lying nearby. A silvery stone lay near his hand.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Winry groaned and rubbed her head. She tried to sit up, but found her way blocked by a sharp arrow sticking in her face. She whacked it with her wrench.

She looked around to find Riza and Envy in the same situation, except their captors had taken Riza's gun and were now attempting to wrestle the wrench out of Winry's hand. They were surrounded by tall, beautiful people with pointed ears, and all of them had either silver or black hair. A woman in a red dress and with two bodyguards looked them over.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Al blinked his way back into consciousness. He was in a brightly lit cave with a tall dark-skinned man standing over him.

"I an Ajihad, leader of the Varden. Who are you and why are you here?"

Al looked at Roy, who was sitting next to him. Roy shrugged to show that he didn't know what was going on either. Al swallowed nervously.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Lust looked at the red-haired man standing in front of the six Homunculi.

"What are you pathetic humans doing here?" the man asked.

Wrath grinned evilly. "We're not humans."

"Really? Me too! Wow!" The man smiled.

"Are you a Homunculus, then?" asked Pride.

"A what?"

"A Homunculus."

"I don't know what that means. Anyway, my name's Durza. I need to take you to the King now."

The six looked at each either. "Where's envy?" asked Sloth.

"Who cares?" asked Greed.

"Good point. Okay Durza, we're ready to go," said Lust. "Come on, Gluttony."

**Dundundun…**

**Now Al and Roy are with the Varden, Ed is with Eragon and Brom, Winry, Riza and Envy are with the elves, and the Homunculi are about to meet Galbatorix.**

**Can you say TERROR AND DESTRUCTION across Alagaesia?**

**Flamers welcome.**


	2. Mercury

**I forgot to mention this in chapter 1, but Draye and I are co-authoring this, so give her credit.**

**Chapter Two: Mercury**

"Let me get this straight," said Ed. "This world is called Alagaesia, I am currently holding a dragon egg, and this apparently puts me in great danger?"

"Yes," said the old man, who had introduced himself as Brom. "And if the egg hatches for you, you are in even greater danger."

"What do you mean, hatches for me? Eggs hatch after a certain amount of time, it will hatch anyway!"

"No," interrupted the boy, Eragon. "Dragons decide when to hatch, and they choose someone to hatch for. If it likes you, it'll hatch for you."

"That makes no sense whatsoever," remarked Ed.

"That's what I said," agreed Eragon. "But apparently Saphira has been waiting for almost a century, and she decided I would make a good Rider."

Ed waved this off. "But," he said, turning back to Brom, "what can Dragon Riders do? I mean, besides ride dragons?"

"Magic, and eternal life."

Ed snorted. "Magic is fake. And there's no such thing as eternal life."

"Riders can do these things, boy. You had better believe it, because if that silver egg you're holding hatches for you—"

"Which it won't," said Ed.

"—then you too will be able to perform such deeds."

"Look, old man," said Ed, clearly aggravated, "magic doesn't exist! You can't make miracles! Eggs can't choose people to hatch for! Any egg, regardless of species, has to hatch within a set amount of time!"

Famous last words. As Ed ranted about how unscientific it all was, the silver gleaming egg rocked about a few times, then shattered in a minute explosion.

A silvery reptilian animal stood before him, blinking its eyes and stretching its wings.

"What the hell…" gasped Ed. "Is that a…_dragon_?"

"Yes, it is a dragon. A female, too, if I'm not mistaken," said Brom, staring at the dragon. "You should name her, before she gets used to having no name."

"Hmm…it'll have to be something off the Periodic Table… how about Mercury?"

_Hmm…It is a stupid name, but I will take it. Why must my Rider be so ugly, anyway?_

"Waah! My head is talking to me! I'm going insane!"

_No, you idiotic child! It is I, Mercury. How dare you claim to be my Rider? You are too short!_

Ed stopped. "What did you say?" he whispered.

_I said that you must be the shortest, stupidest, ugliest pipsqueak that ever walked the face of Alagaesia._

"Why you—" Edward launched himself at the dragon. However, the wind he created gave Mercury enough of a draft to float over and land on Saphira's back. Both dragons glared at him. He glared right back.

"Told you so," said Eragon smugly.

Ed gave him the finger.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"I am Islanzadi, ruler of Ellesmera. Who are you and what is your purpose here?" said the fair woman sternly.

Riza knew that respect was the proper thing to give right now. She saluted. "First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye."

Islanzadi narrowed her eyes. "Lieutenant of which army?"

"…The one in Amestris?..."

"I do not know where that is, but you do not seem to be of Galbatorix. And you?" she looked at Winry.

"Um. I'm Winry Rockbell."

"And you?"

"I'm Envy. Tell your people to stop restraining me or I will kill them!" snarled the Homunculus.

"Tell me, Envy, are you a man or woman?" remarked Islanzadi in a confused voice.

"SHUT UP!"

Envy lunged. Islanzadi stepped back, and two elves blocked Envy's path.

Envy turned into a hawk and settled in a tree. "I will have revenge!" he promised. Nobody paid any attention.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Galbatorix sat on his throne. "I have just been informed that there is another Dragon Rider in my Empire, in addition to the other one."

"How does this have to do with us?" asked Greed, already bored.

"Shut up and listen," snapped Sloth.

"Why?" Lust wanted to know.

"This is important," snarled an aggravated Galbatorix, "because I'm ordering you to kill the new one!"

Everyone looked up. There was killing involved.

"Who is it?" Wrath couldn't wait. "Who?"

"His name is Edward Elric."

The Homunculi smiled. "No problems there," commented Pride. "Weren't we trying to do that already?"

**Alagaesia or Amestris, no difference! There are still people out to kill Ed.**

**AirElemental101: Not my idea, but I'll tell her you said thanks. And yeah, this should turn out good.**

**Michelle: You do know you're not exactly obligated to say that, right? If it sucks, tell me.**

**Well, you know what to do!**


	3. A Literal Pain In The Butt

**Hey y'all, this is Draye, the co-author, remember?**

**So Emerald is all "Ack, THE EVIL WRITERS BLOCK BUNNIES HAVE ATTACKED ME!" So I'm the author today, heh. (This may happen often)**

**Don't worry, I won't mess up, since this is my story too yah know! And Emerald will still answer the questions from you lovely reviewers at the end of this chapter.**

**Okays, on we go!**

**Chapter Three: A Literal Pain In The Butt**

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!

"Okay then, next?" Al smiled happily with a childish look on his face. Of course, no one volunteered to go against the boy who had just left his last opponent in a bloody heap on the ground.

"What's with that lad?" a dwarf named Orik whispered to Roy, who was sitting next to him.

"Don't know. As long as I've known him he's always been like that, strength- and attitude-wise." Roy sighed. Orik just stared at Al as he started to kick at his new opponent.

"But he seemed like such a sweet lad at first!"

"Yeah, well, blame his brother."

"There are two of them? Oh lord!"

"No, his brother's worse, but not as strong from what I've herd."

Orik gulped and prayed that he never got on either of the boys' bad side. Sure, Al was a good addition to the Varden's forces, but as he saw another victim of Al fall to the ground unconscious he almost felt sorry for anyone who went against Al, too.

"Roy, I think I'm done," Al said as he walked over, dusting himself off.

"Fine, guess I'll have a go at it then."

Roy slowly got up out of his seat. When he had walked away to the court Al sat down next to Orik.

"So Al, I heard you have a brother."

"Yep, my older brother Ed."

"Is he as strong as you?"

"No, I always beat him when we spar…but then again…" Al seemed lost in thought.

"What is it, lad?"

"If you call him a certain word he gets so mad that his power increases tenfold!"

"Now what word would have power like that?"

"Well….."

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!

"YOU CALL ME A RUNT? A DWARF? A LITTLE PERSON?"

"_No, I just called you puny. Is your brain as miniscule as you are?"_

"Stupid flying lizard!"

Brom sighed. The two had been going on like this since forever!

"You should respect your dragon more, boy."

"I will, you old bag, once she starts to give me some back."

"_And who would want to give you respect?"_ Mercury growled. She flew over to a nearby tree and grabbed a fallen branch with her tail. She flew back over to Ed and started to whack him on the head with the branch, very, very hardly.

"Stop it! Who are you, Winry or something?"

"Who's Winry?" Eragon and Saphira asked in sing song voices.

"It's not what you think, she's my mechanic!"

Brom covered his ears. How he hated this boy, always yelling and yelling!

"Eragon, how about you spar with Edward. That is if you know how to use a sword. Do you Ed?"

Ed stared at his arm. "I don't know if it counts as a sword."

"Well show us your weapon and then we shall find out!"

Ed smirked and clapped his hand together. The blue sparks of alchemy dances on his finger tips. He slid one hand over his automail arm. Slowly a blade started to form.

"There, how's that?" Ed asked once he was done.

"_Wow runt, you are actually good for something." _Mercury purred.

"You know magic?" Brom asked, completely shocked.

"Alchemy is a science, unlike magic which is all fairy tales and pixie dust," Ed sighed.

Eragon pulled out his sword, the red blade shinning in the light.

"You ready to spar, Ed?"

"Say your prayers, twerp."

Ed took a running start at Eragon, who took up a defensive stance. There was a clang of metal as the two blades met. Ed pushed forward, and smiled when he saw a thin line of blood appear on Eragon's cheek.

"Sorry to break up the party boys, but I have my orders."

Ed stopped and stared into the trees to where the voice had come from. His eyes grew wide when he saw who had spoken.

"Lust!"

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!

Envy couldn't help but giggle as he peered down at his unaware victims. "I will soon have my revenge!" he crackled.

He turned into a rabbit and hopped out onto the archery field. If he could get close enough to her could change into a poisonous snake and bite all of those stupid elves in the legs. It was perfect!

Envy was so busy planning he didn't notice Riza come onto the field. She was good with guns, why not try archery? She looked at the target, but found a better prey. She took aim and fired.

Envy jumped as the arrow pierced his skin. Quickly he turned back to his human form and marched over to Riza.

"What do you know, I hit it!" She said with a smile.

"You bitch! You know what you did?!" Envy growled.

Riza took one look at Envy and cracked up into laughter.

"What is it damn it!?"

"You have an arrow sticking out of your ass!"

Envy turned around to look, and sure enough sticking out like a tail was the arrow. He pulled it out and threw into to the ground, once more swearing to get revenge!

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!

**That's all folks, here is where I leave and hand it over to Emerald!**

**_Yo, Emerald here, and can I just say that I did not have writers block, I decided that since Draye basically came up with this thing and we are co-authoring I would let her write this one._**

_**It's only fair.**_

_**Anyway, she wrote this in less than five hours; how she did it I will never know. It usually takes me a couple of days, but I'm just lazy.**_

**AirElemental101: yea, we are making it a parody, sort of. But thanks for the review, and they don't exactly care for each other, but they do get along eventually.**

**Bar-Ohki: thanks, all credit for the idea goes to Draye.**

**Draye: why am I even answering YOUR review? My advice is not to review your stories!**

**Liah Cauthon: yeah, whatever.**


	4. Envy's Revenge for His Revenge

**Yeah yah Draye can't think of anything on her own so she's at my house!!**

**Draye: AT LEAST I WAS **_**GOING **_**TO WORK ON IT WHEN I CAUGHT UP WITH MY OWN STORIES!**

**Me: Shaddup. You know you had no idea how to write the fight scene.**

**Chapter 4: Envy's Revenge for His Revenge**

Ed glared at Lust. Brom was confused. Eragon just stared, most likely at her –expletive deleted-. Fine. He was looking at her chest.

Eragon can't get women so he just looks. We all know he has no chance, so let's just move on.

"Well look, the Fullmetal Runt made some friends."

"I AM NOT A MIDGET DWARF PERSON SMALL THING!"

While everyone was entertained by the nice conversation Ed and Lust were having, Mercury flew over and perched on Lust's head.

And started eating her hair. Lust screamed and swatted at the air above her head. Mercury calmly looked up and chomped down on Lust's hand. She sighed.

_What? It's not like you were gonna feed me anytime soon. Oh by the way, get new shampoo, yours tastes like crap._

Lust extended a finger and sliced down on where Mercury had been a second before but the dragon, being much smarter than your average Homunculus, had flown off to go sit on Brom's head.

"Some interesting friends you have here, Edward," commented the old man.

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SHE'S MY FRIEND YOU OLD FART? SHE'S TRYING TO KILL US!"

Lust, having stopped mourning her hair, charged once again at Ed. Ed did the cool ninja back flip thingy and Eragon 'oohed'.

(AN: can't you tell we just LURV Eragon? What an idiot.)

Lust extended her fingers. "I'm not here to fight you boys; I have orders to take you to Galbatorix."

"Oh, so now you're working for the evil guy that I know nothing about because SOMEBODY never got around to telling me?" Ed glared at Brom.

Brom sweat dropped.

"And why do you want to take me to Galbatorix?"

"So we can kill you."

"Well, I'm pretty sure you know the answer to that question already!"

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!

'Twas teatime in Ellesmera. Yes, the elves drank tea. 2 o'clock every afternoon. They would sit down in whatever tree they lived in, boil up some water, and sit down to drink.

Envy decided to use this to his advantage.

An hour before teatime, the Homunculus darted around the tree city humming the Mission: Impossible theme.

"Dun dun dunuhdundun dunuhdundun dunuhdundun dunuh doodoodoooooooo, doodoodooooooooooooo, dun dun dunudundun…."

He discreetly slipped into a tree-house-thing. The elf living there happened to be out, so Envy could get away with it. He looked around and dropped a small packet of powder in the boiling water.

In fifteen minutes the rest of Ellesmera was similarly 'taken care of.'

So when, a little while later, the elves sat themselves down and drank their tea (green tea, 2 spoonfuls of sugar, milk, let it sit for three minutes to cool), they all found themselves simultaneously struck with uncontrollable bowel movements.

Never ask Envy how he found laxatives in Ellesmera; he won't tell.

**Okay so both Draye and I (Emerald) are going to camp, and we won't be back until August/September, so don't expect any updates. I'm leaving in like 13 days, I dunno when she's going, but we just wanted to tell y'alls.**

**Bar-Ohki: Draye wrote it. So totally not my fault.**

**Cha-chan-hyper: shame, shame, you should know better! Never read fanfiction in the presence of nonbelievers!**

**HinduGoddess: how the hell many times must I say it? I. DID. NOT. WRITE. IT. And how could we NOT put it in? You know we had to. And just cuz I don't show it means it don't exist?**

**Shadewolf7: somehow I doubt that if you didn't like crazy people, you wouldn't be leaving such a nice review.**


	5. Come to Think of It, Where IS Envy?

**Well…Draye's been home for a good 2 weeks (3 for me) but I haven't heard from her…so I guess I have to write this!**

**Readers: groan**

**Shut up. YOU HEAR THAT, DRAYE? EMAIL ME!**

**Chapter 5: Come to Think of It, Where IS Envy?**

"And we expected Ed to go with you without a fight…why?" asked Greed lazily.

"Because you're all idiots?" suggested Durza.

Lust made a furious swipe with her fingernails, but missed. She was busy trying to wash her hair of dragon spit. Not very easy.

"Guys, I think we might have a serious problem!" shouted Sloth, barging into the room with Wrath at her side.

"What, that Galbatorix is going to stop feeding us if we don't capture them?" called Pride from where he was sharpening a sword in the corner.

"No food?" whined Gluttony.

"Well, that, but also that Envy is still missing."

"And that's a problem…because?" said Greed.

"Well, he might cause untold damage to this land. Also, recent sources say he might be with the elves. And he might do something stupid and jeopardize all of us, Durza included."

"I personally think it's a good thing he's not here," began Wrath, "but Mommy won't listen."

"Envy is the palm tree who can't decide on a gender?" asked Durza.

"That would be him, yes," answered Sloth.

"Oh? Well I don't see why we care where he is." Durza settled into a comfortable position.

"NO, guys! We have an advantage!" shrieked Wrath. "Hawkeye and Winry Rockbell are there too, so we could capture them to draw out Fullmetal and Flame! They'd tell us everything about these Varden guys!"

"Hmm…all the homunculi thought for a while.

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!

"So if you hold the sword in the fire long enough, and then hammer it for a while, it will be even stronger when it cools?" asked Winry, taking notes with such furor that paper was flying all around the forge.

Rhunon nodded. "Unfortunately, I don't make swords anymore, so I can't show you. But if a dragon scale is added to the metal, the effects will be tremendous."

"Thank you so much, Miss Rhunon!" gushed Winry.

On the archery range, Riza fitted an arrow to the string. She'd cobbled together a compound bow, rather that the longbow favored by the elves. She found compound bows easier to use and they gave more force to the arrow.

Let's see…were these two the sort of people you'd expect to get captured by Homunculi?

No. For the very simple reason that one was a dead shot with long-range weapons, and the other was currently learning how to make extremely durable swords.

**Short? Pah. It would have been longer **_**if I'd had Draye helping me**_**, HINT HINT, DRAYE!**

**Bar-Ohki: no real reason for writing that in there. Guess we just felt like it.**

**Chelsea: thanks!**

**Draye: I won't even dignify that with a response.**

**HinduGoddess: No. I refuse to be a stand-in alert system. This is a PARODY STORY, why would he be evil?**

**Shoushin: this takes place in book 1. I did, thank you.**

**TheQueenOfMediocrity: thank you. I love your stories, btw.**

**Why am I up at 3 am posting this? Because it's summer vacation and I can do whatever I want. Only for a few more days though. Fuck high school!**

**...Why am I posting this 12 hours later than I said I would? Because ff.n was being stupid and wouldnt let me update at 3 am. So now its 3 pm.**


	6. Sedative Apples

**Whole thing by Draye. Geography mistakes are hers. Weird clothing items are hers.**

**Chapter 6: Sedative Apples**

Al was bored.

Very, very, very bored.

Now since we all know Alphonse we all know how much of a simpleton he is. Sure we love him for it, but he is the type who is easily entertained. So that translates simply to that if Al is bored, than the world shall soon come to an end.

Yay.

Al sighed and walked down the 'streets' of Tronjheim, looking for something to do. He had already beaten all the guys down at the training ground into bloody pulps, so yeah, he was bored.

That was until he was at the exit to the mountain cave. Al grinned as he decided to go on a walk, just on a whim.

Once outside he found the fresh air crisp and refreshing. Al started to whistle and walk off into the forest. He kept on walking for about a few hours, enjoying the squirrels and the birds and kitten…..kitten?

Al slowly backtracked and looked at the brown, furry, slightly feral looking kitten shaking at the base of a tree. "Hey there, little kitty." Al smiled, walking over to it. He reached down to pick it up, but it bit his hand.

"OWWWWWW!" Al screamed as he waved his hand around, trying to pull off the silly kitten. When he got it off he held it far away from his face and any other body parts and stared at the thing.

"What was the big idea, I was just trying to help you!"

_I don't need help from a human, _growled a little girl's voice. Al stared at the kitten.

"You can talk?"

_Yes, I am a noble werecat! Of course I can!_

"Well noble werecat, what is your name?"

The kitten stared at the ground. _I don't have one. I lost my mother before she could name me._

"Well, I'll name you then!"

The kitten's eyes grew wide and teary. _Really?_

"Only if you don't bite me again," Al said.

The kitten nodded furiously.

"Then I shall name you Magnesium!"

_Well then, call me Magny!_

"Okay then Magny, you hungry?"

_I am! I am! Feed me meat!_

Al laughed at the little kitten's banter as he carried her back to the varden on his head.

(A/n: like you couldn't tell that whole thing would happen sooner or later, since Al has a cat fetish.)

------------------------------------------

The group of one old man, two teenagers, and two dragons (making five people) were quickly approaching the harbor city of Teirm.

"When we get into the city I will find boarding for Eragon and I, Edward shall stay at another inn so as not to draw attention to ourselves, since Galbatorix knows we are a group of three," said Brom quietly.

"You just don't like me very much, do you?" Ed scowled as the passed through the gates. Brom sighed, trying to keep himself from nodding. He reached into his pouch and pulled out some money, thrusting it into Ed's hand. Ed started grumbling and walked off the direction opposite of Brom and Eragon.

_Well who needs those shit head, huh Mercury?_ Ed asked the dragon hidden in Ed's pack.

_We do if we want to find your family and friends oh smart one._

_Oh shove it you overgrown hell-lizard._

_Same to you monkey whelp._

The two walked on in silence, mentally grumbling at each other. _I don't see why you couldn't stay with Saphira,_ said Ed sulkily.

_Because I'm a hatchling, and still need to be around you, unfortunately._

_For you or me?_ Ed sighed. _Might as well get some food._

_No, first thing first, get some clothes._

_What's wrong with my clothes?_

_They stick out too much; you need clothes from this country, stupid._

Ed found himself agreeing as he looked over his shoulder to see people staring at his bright red jacket. _Fine, you win. Let's find a store._

After an hour Ed walked out of the store, grumbling about having to trade all his old clothes. He now wore black leather pants and a white linen shirt, over which he wore a black leather vest with plain silver buttons. He had also gotten a cloak, which he had stuffed into the bag, much to Mercury's protests. Ed had kept his black boots, and had gotten black leather gloves, but found them a little too stiff, so he had cut the fingers off. _With all this leather I feel like a gay man._

_You got the best quality idiot, it should feel like silk,_ Mercury snapped.

_It is soft, but its still leather. Poor cows._

_Yummy cows though._

_Okay, now we get lunch before you eat my pants._

Mercury laughed manically and Ed sighed, he was walking along to the port, so he could get his dragon some fish. But he stopped to look at a small store, with a cat sitting on the roof. _He wants you to go in, _Mercury said, popping her head out a little to stare back at the cat. Ed nodded and walked into the store. The place smelled of herbs and mold. Sitting behind the counter was a woman playing with a frog.

"Little toady toad, oh little toady toad." The woman sang to the frog.

"Umm, miss, that's a frog, not a toad." Ed said, looking at the frog trying to run away.

"Ah, but you are mistaken, for frogs ARE toads, though I doubt toads can be frogs then, hmmm." The woman stared at the frog again.

"Well, okay, thank you for your wisdom, but I have to leave." Ed turned and tried to run out the door, only to have it close in his face.

"You shall do no such thing." The woman smiled as she slowly walked up to Ed, a knife in her hand.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Envy was eating an apple. This is important, because Envy never has eaten an apple before, so he is really enjoying himself.

Envy was walking down the streets, smiling as he ate the shiny green apple. Of course it was green; green is Envy's favorite color.

Winry stared at Envy as he walked towards her, fearing what he would do. Envy froze and stared at her. He smiled, which caused Winry to hug the nearest tree.

"Hi Winry!"

"Don't hurt me…."

Envy scratched his head as he took another bite of his apple. "Why would I?"

"Because you're Envy."

"Oh." Envy just stood there, eating his apple.

Riza walked up, and stared at Winry, then at Envy. "Envy, what are you doing?"

"Eating an apple."

"And that's all?"

"Should I be doing something else?"

The three stared at each other, silent except for the sound of the crunch the apple made as Envy ate it.

"Envy, why are you eating an apple?" asked Winry.

"I was hungry, and this was all I could find to eat. I had never had an apple before, so I really didn't want to eat it, but is was green so I did." Envy smiled and bit into the apple again.

"You know, maybe apple is Envy's sedative?" Riza said, as she stared at Envy eating the apple.

"I'm getting more apples!" Winry screamed as she ran off.

"I'll help you, we are gonna need a lot of apples!"

Envy was now alone, with his half eaten apple. "What a bunch of freaks."

**Yay we're done with another one. I'm going to totally spoil the cliffy and tell you that Angela does not kill Eragon or even attempt to.**

**Ara Mei: write your heart out.**

**Bar-Ohki: it's a parody, NO ONE's in character.**

**DragonRider2000: Thank you, thank you…**

**Draye: stop….freaking….reviewing….**

**jenelric: yes we're awesome.**

**Shoushin: didn't drown, Emerald Tiara is still alive and kicking.**

**SwiftFeather: Um….**


	7. Why is he NAKED?

**Hey guys, its Draye again.**

**Before I start the next lovely chapter I would like to say one thing, which is that Emerald has been bitching to me about a few things, them being Ed's outfit, and my love (she says obsession) with Were-cats, also with how I forget minor details about the setting easily. **

…**yeah…**

**Also I have decided to also answer the questions from your reviews if I can, since Emerald's computer messed up, so here you have it:**

**Liah: Well, I would have, but I didn't know you wanted to be told to read it….you like Eragon? News to me (Emie dear tells me nothing)**

**Half Human Homunculi****: Thank you; it was just a tiny musing, glad you found it funny. (Note most Envy clips will be stupidly funny, along with everything else, this is in a way a comedy)**

**DragonGirl90****: I know how you feel about abusive muses, but I also have a abusive computer, named Tippy. **

**DragonRider2000****: Yay it was funny!**

**Ara Mei****: I like green too! As for what she shall do to Ed……**

**Chapter 7: Why is he naked?**

**

* * *

**

Ed backed up; reaching out for the door, but the old women was fast upon him. He closed his eyes and waited for the knife to be plunged into his gut.

Only for the sounds of a dying croak and the happy snaps of his dragon's jaws to be heard instead of the squish that would normally follow a knife to the abdomen. Ed cracked open an eye. Mercury was sitting on the floor, being fed pieces that Angelina kept cutting off from the frog….erm…toad.

"You shouldn't let your dragon go hungry like that you silly boy!"

Ed just stared and blinked a few more times before finding his voice. "You heard her?"

"Not hard to, her stomach was so loud it scared the dear toad to death!"

Ed sweatdropped as he picked the now fed Mercury off the ground and put her on his shoulder. "Didn't you kill the fr…toad?"

"The dear thing was so scared it jumped onto my knife, silly thing."

Ed held up a finger and opened his mouth to try and say something more, but the smile on Angelina's face reminded him of Roy's. When ever Roy wore that smile it meant something along the lines of 'yes I am being an idiot, but I still know a hell of a lot more than you do shrimp.'

"Close your mouth dear, you'll let all the June flies in."

"Aren't they Ma….oh forget it."

Angelina just continued to smile as she walked into the back of the store. The strange cat that had beckoned them in from the roof hoped onto the counter and stared at Ed.

And Ed stared back.

And the cat stared.

And Ed stared back.

And now Mercury began to stare at the cat.

And the cat stared at them.

And they stared at the cat.

And the cat sighed, or at least made the sound of a cat trying to sigh. _Forgive her; she is truly wise under her idiotic guise._

Ed blinked, the rubbed his fore head. Sure, in a world of magic and flying giant lizards, why not throw in a couple talking cats. "It's ok; I know some one who acts just like that."

_Well then, now why aren't you surprised by my ability to speak? I have a feeling you should be._

"Well, I've given up on it, just too many surprising, not possible due to the laws of science thing."

_What is this Science?_

Mercury snorted. _Don't get him started!_ but Ed just ignored his dragon. "Science in a set of laws, like the law of gravity, and the law of exchange. All matter of life must follow those laws."

_So would my turning human follow those laws?_

"Well no, your mass is too small for one thing. You must weight only ten pounds, where would the other 100 lbs of a human come from?"

_But I can turn human._

"There is no way you could. If you tried it would be one ugly, deformed human." Ed said, shrugging his shoulders. Solembum was twitching slightly, and only Mercury seemed to take note of this. She flew off of Ed's shoulder and onto one of the rafters. Ed looked up at his dragon, and was about to yell at her to come down, if not for the force that hit him and threw him onto the floor.

Ed stared at the boy with shaggy brown hair and golden cat's eyes who was now sitting on his chest. "Surprised now, scientist?"

"Yes, very, now do you mind explaining to me why you're NAKED?!"

At that moment who decides to walk in, but Eragon? The young rider stared at his traveling companion for a second before uttering thoughtlessly "My, my, Ed, I had no idea this was the type of person you were."

Ed growled as he pushed the were-cat off of him, and into the back of the store to. He then stood, and before Eragon knew what hit him, he was hit, by a fist into the face. Ed held opened his bag and Mercury flew into it as Ed walked out of the store grumbling about stupid toad ladies and their cats.

Ed spent the next two weeks in his inn room playing against Mercury at checkers and in the local book store reading about the countries history. It turned out that Alchemy had once existed here, but had evolved, or in Ed's view devolved into a type of herbal sorcery. At the end of the two weeks, close to the time the gates closed Brom and Eragon knocked on Ed's door, telling him to be ready to leave right then. Ed hurried and pulled on his cloak, and grabbed his dragon into his arms (much to her protests).

In a few minutes the group had left the city, and in the trees a small purple eyed boy smiled.

* * *

"You want me to eat this stuff that looks like piss was mixed with milk and went sour?" 

"So, will you?"

"HELL NO!"

Now, why was Winry trying to get Envy to eat applesauce? Simple, everyone was wondering if only green granny smith apples calmed Envy, or if it was any form of apple.

Apple pie hadn't worked, or apple tart, or apple turnover, or candy apples, or caramel apples, or apple and honey, or apple juice, or apple cider. None of them had worked as well as the bright green granny smith apples. All that was left to try was apple sauce.

"Please Envy, try it."

"No, and I don't have to, I'm going."

"But Envy! If you try I promise not to hit you for a week!"

Envy paused and turned around quickly before grabbing the bowl and practically drinking up some of the sauce out of the bowl. Winry stared as Envy calmly put down the bowl.

"Well?"

"That was the most sickening thing I have ever eat…..ten." Winry stared as Envy fell to the ground, completely asleep. She stared a little more, before smiling evilly.

When Envy woke up, he found himself in a dress similar, but less grand to that of the one the queen wore. His hair had been brushed, so it was no longer leaf like and it was tied back.

At first Envy didn't notice, until he found some male elves staring at him, and then he happened to look down. With a growl he stomped back to the tree he was supposed to be locked up in, he changed into normal cloths, and grabbed a shiny, crisp, bright green granny smith apple off the table and took a large bite.

**_Draye you ass, I can answer reviews on my own! Yeah my computer had to revert to factory settings, and we saved all my files on a backup drive, but the folder of reviews didnt make it. But I can find them online! So THERE!_**

**_Liah Cathon: cuz you STUPID._**

**_Half Human Homunculi: A lot of people did._**

**_DragonGirl90: at least your muses TALK to you. Mine completely ignore me. They've actually gone on strike, and I'm now writing on inspiration-welfare._**

**_Ara Mei: cool, green's a good color. Besides, it goes perfectly with his hair._**

**_DragonRider2000: Ah, yes, a toast to the wonders of Al's boredom._**

**_Well, now that Draye no longer owes me anything (and I can't hold it over her head, dammit!) it's back to the usual. See ya soon._**


	8. Stop Asking Dammit!

**Die, Draye, DIE.**

**Emerald's back, freaks!**

**Totally forgot what happens next in the book, totally don't have a copy with me right now, totally skipping ****canon**** in this chapter!**

**Chapter 8:**** Stop Asking Dammit!**

Roy looked in distaste. "What is that….thing?"

"It's a WERECAT!" said Al happily. "And her name is Magnesium but because it's too long we're gonna call her Magny and she will be my pet and I will love her FOREVER!"

"Al, you are insane."

"No I'm not! Werecats are ADORABLE!"

Ajihad was suddenly standing next to Al. "Where did you find a werecat?"

"Outside!" said Al.

Ajihad inspected the sleeping animal. "I didn't know they showed themselves to humans so easily."

_Well I decided I liked Al!_ said Magny, suddenly waking up. _So there!_

Roy facepalmed. "Oh wow. Now Al finally has a cat of his own. We are so doomed."

_I'M A WERECAT DAMMIT!_

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!

Wrath was following Ed, Eragon and Brom. He watched as they left Tierm, collected Saphira and set out for Dras Leona. When they stopped to make camp for a night, he made his move.

Ed woke up to find a scruffy-looking teenage boy with purple eyes holding Mercury and a knife. "Holy crap!"

_Let me go you stupid boy!_

Eragon and Brom also woke suddenly. Brom sighed. "Is this boy like that woman from earlier?"

"Yeah…he won't die."

Eragon rolled his eyes. "That's stupid; a stab to the heart will kill everyone."

Wrath smirked. "Wanna try it?"

"Uh….no. No not really." And Eragon hid behind Saphira.

"So……….what do you want this time?" asked Ed tiredly.

Wrath shrugged. "Same thing Lust wanted."

Ed shrugged also. "Same answer as I gave to Lust." Wrath raised an eyebrow. "Okay then, guess I have no other choice."

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!

Islanzadi looked at Riza. "Envy is the green-haired one? And granny smith apples calm him down, and applesauce makes him fall asleep. Right?"

"Yep."

"It's really weird," agreed Winry.

"Well then, we'll make sure he has a supply of apples at all times!" ordered Islanzadi.

As then walked out, Riza whispered to Winry. "Spiking his food at the next feast?"

"Oh yes. Totally."

Envy heard the whole thing. "What the hell?!"

"Come on, Envy! Don't you love apples?" said Winry.

"Well yeah but you can't poison me!"

"It's not poison, Envy," said Riza calmly. "It's apples."

"NOBODY SPIKES FOOD WITH ANYTHING THAT ISN'T POISON!"

"WE DO."

"You're insane," said Envy matter-of-factly.

Winry shrugged. "You're a hermaphrodite."

"Touché." Envy ran a hand through his hair. "Can I have another apple?"

Riza threw one at his head. "Eat your heart out."

Winry was still wondering about something. "No, really Envy, are you a boy or a girl?"

Envy threw his apple at her head. "I'M A BOY, DAMMIT! STOP ASKING!"

Riza retrieved the apple and held it just out of his grasp. "Whenever you get violent, you lose apple privileges for an hour."

Envy struggled for the apple. Riza shot it and it exploded, showering the nearby elves in apple guts. Yes, I said apple guts.

Envy muttered rebelliously and stormed off into the woods.

"A little too much, maybe," said Riza as an afterthought. Winry nodded, munching on another apple.

**Short, yes. ****My mind is blank, yes. End of story.**

**Liah Cauthon: No, no, no. You got to whack her with a ROCK.**

**Lakara Valentine: guess we just got sick of so many damn FMA.HP crossovers…**

**Ara Mei: Something's always a good thing to yay… really? But…but the apple sauce feels neglected now!**

**Draye's turn up next (I gave her the fight scene cuz I LAZY…..)**

**Ew...it's shorter than I thought it was...SORRY!**


	9. They Wear What Where You Live?

**SURE, make ME write most of her chapter...Although Draye did write the fight scene, some of Roy's bit and some of Envy's part. She's forgiven. Bonus points to those who can tell what I wrote and what she wrote.**

**Chapter 9: They Wear What Where You live?**

Wrath stood there, holding onto Mercury tightly, the knife still held dangerously close.

"So Ed, will you agree to come with us?"

"As I told that hooker bitch of yours, no way in hell!"

"Then I guess you leave me little choice."

Ed would have screamed profanities, but Wrath came flying at him. Mercury was tossed around like a potato sack as Wrath and Ed exchanged kicks and punches.

"You know, you could help me out, you idiots!" Ed screamed while ducking to avoid a rather nasty punch to the head. But when Ed turned to look at who he was shouting at, they weren't there.

"YOU ASS—" Ed would have finished his rather...interesting statement, if not for the fact that Wrath had just punched the wind out of him. Wrath stood over Ed, who was now on the ground trying to get the air back into his lungs.

"Not so tough no, are we Ed?"

Ed just smirked as his eyes looked up. "Maybe those guys aren't so bad after all."

Wrath looked at Ed, utterly confused. "What do you mean?"

There was a groan, and a slight whooshing noise. Wrath looked up, and almost immediately he dropped Mercury as he muttered, "Oh hell," for Saphira had just dropped a big rock aimed right for Wrath. With a sickening crunch, the rock flattened Wrath. Ed stood, Mercury landing on her favorite stoop, his head.

"Well that was unexpected."

"So, you old fart, you really do care." Ed smiled as he walked over to the rest of the group as they landed.

"We didn't do it for you, Ed; we did it so as not to lose the dragon," Brom informed him.

Ed sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before he started walking in the direction the group had been headed. "You better come on, that rock won't hold him for much longer."

Eragon sighed. "You know, we do have horses!"

"Fuck your horses, they're like cows, and I hate cows!"

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i

One day, Roy was walking around Tronjheim with Orik when he noticed something strange. "Orik, why do all the women here wear long skirts or dresses?"

"Well Roy, it is proper around here," explained Orik, somewhat confused as to why Roy was asking.

Roy pondered for a second. "So, no mini skirts then?"

"What is a mini skirt?"

Roy suddenly turned into his best sparkle-filled imitation of Major Armstrong. "Well now, I must tell you then, the mini skirt is the most glorious creation god has ever brought to out measly planet!"

"God?" Orik asked, confused.

Roy paused. "Or any other deity of your choice religion. Anyway," Roy continued, "the mini skirt is like the skirt part of a dress, but it doesn't end at the ankle, oh no, it doesn't even end at the knee!"

Orik was appalled. "Not at the knee? What women wear these? Prostitutes?"

"Not at all! Well, most prostitutes do wear miniskirts..." Roy paused. "But anyway, normal women wear them too!"

"What is the purpose? Why do these women want to look like prostitutes?"

"You don't understand! It shows off their legs and helps them...um...find a husband. Yeah, that works. It helps them attract a suitable husband."

"Dressing in such a scandalous manner helps find a suitable husband?" asked a clearly disbelieving Orik.

"That's my story and I'm sticking to it. It's not considered all that inappropriate where I come from," Roy said.

"With all respect to you, Roy, I hope I never go to your world, if that's how the women there dress."

"I think the women here should start wearing shorter skirts."

"What? NO!" said Orik. "Maybe women where you come from have no shame, but here our women like to keep their dignity!"

Roy sighed. "Worth a try."

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i

Envy was happily walking, not skipping, because that isn't manly and most elves already thought him to be girly enough.

Anyway, Envy was walking along in the forest when something grabbed onto him. It wasn't any creature he had ever seen before: it looked human, but had deep brown skin and what looked like willow branches for hair, leaves and all.

"Hello there," it crooned at him.

Envy smiled nervously. "Um, hi."

"What is a fine tree like you doing in a forest like this here?"

"I, uh...I'm not a tree..."

"But you look just like one! What else could you be? A very handsome tree, too!" The thing smiled.

"I'm...uh...nicemeetingyouseeyoulaterbye!" Envy ran as fast as he could towards the tree he lived in with Riza and Winry.

"What happened to you?" asked Winry as Envy stood by the door, panting heavily.

"A tree...a talking...tree! Hitting on me!"

"Bad Envy, no eating strange mushrooms!"

"I didn't eat anything! I was walking (in a very manly way) when a tree started hitting on me!"

"All I said was that he was a very handsome tree," said the tree, poking its bark-covered head in the doorway.

Riza raised an eyebrow. "All I want to know is, are you a male or female tree?"

"Trees have no true gender," the tree explained.

"Wow Envy, it looks like you are a tree after all!"

"Shut! Up!"

"I believe I can explain," said Islanzadi, entering.

"So many people coming to visit us today!" muttered Winry. "Please, do explain. Why is there a talking tree?"

"There are some elves among us who desire to change their appearance and attributes. So they sing themselves into different forms. This one, apparently, wanted to become a willow tree."

"I find it much preferable to being an elf," said the tree.

"Well whatever you are, can you please go away?" begged Envy.

"But I love you!"

"Oh no. I have a fan...tree."

"Aww, look. Envy's found true love," sighed Riza.

"I think you two should get married. Think of the children!" added Winry.

"I hate you all," Envy sulked.

**Meh. I hope she knows I'm not writing the next one. ANNOUNCEMENT: in case we don't get around to it before summer, Emerald is going to camp for 8 weeks on June 28, and Draye will be spending most of the summer in Israel and Poland. So don't expect any updates over the summer.**

**sock monkeys: man, I have no idea where Draye comes up with any of her stuff. But hey, why not?**

**Ara Mei: the applesauce is very happy that you hugged it. It feels like it is needed in the world now. You have done a good thing by hugging the applesauce!**

**Lakara Valentine: Envy is everyone's favorite; even the trees love him!**

**See ya whenever, at which point it will be DRAYE'S TURN. You hear me?? I'm not covering for you twice in a row!**


	10. Adventures in Room Sharing

**Welcome to the (hopefully) long awaited tenth chapter of ROA, written by the wonderful Draye. So for all random craziness and things that shouldn't really happen in the story, go ahead, blame me, and also blame me for all stupidness and annoying things. But I would rather be blamed for my lovely work of genius. **

**So… if you want to blame some one for waiting this long, blame Emerald…she didn't tell me it was my turn.**

**With out further ado!**

**--**

**Adventures in room sharing!**

**Eragon and Ed:**

"The old fart has money, so why do the three of us have to share this crappy room?" Ed growled as he threw his bags down on the table that was in their room at the current Inn they were staying at. Brom was off at the bar getting himself drunk once again, while Ed and Eragon were both in the single room Brom had just purchased for the three of them. There was only one bed in the room, which Brom had taken.

"It's his money, if you had some you could get your own room. But you don't have any money."

"Like fuck I don't have money, you people just don't take it!"

Eragon sighed, having heard this rant a few times too many. He grabbed the extra blanket and proceeded to lie on the floor to try and get some sleep. Ed lay down next to him; the only other place to sleep that wasn't taken was a very decrepit wood chair.

"How come you get the blanket?"

"Because I got it first, you can have the pillow."

"But I want the blanket."

"Well Ed, as you would say, fucking sucks for you."

Ed was fuming. But, he didn't want to just punch the shit out of Eragon, that wouldn't be satisfying enough. "You know, you're right."

"What?"

"You're right, you got it first, and you win."

"…Fine, so be it then." Eragon, still confused, rolled over and fell asleep.

The next morning Eragon awoke to find that the blanket hand been changed via alchemy so that it was stuck to the floor from all sides, sealing him in a little blanket cocoon. No matter how much he kicked and punched and squirmed could he get himself out of the blanket.

**Envy:**

Since no one likes or trust Envy he has his own room. Where? In a tree, where else?

**Winry and Riza:**

It was after bath time, and the two girls were getting dressed.

"The cloths here are so pretty." Winry said as she picked out something to wear.

"I guess, but they aren't that good for fighting in."

Winry sighed. "Why do you always think about fighting?"

"This coming from the most violent girl I've ever met."

"What are you saying? I'm a delicate flower."

Riza rolled her eyes and went back to brushing her hair.

"I saw that!"

"Saw what?"

"You rolled your eyes!"

Riza sighed and turn to look at the younger girl, shaking a shoe at her. "And if I did?"

THUD!

"You threw a shoe at me!"

THUD!

"You threw a hair brush at me!"

The fight that broke out caused not only half the furniture in the room to be destroyed, but also ended the lives of five bananas and two field mice. Envy was caught in the cross fire and died fourteen times. He now vows to never go into that room ever again.

**Al and Roy:**

"Al lad, what's wrong, you look like you haven't slept in days." Orik said as he sat down next to Al one day at breakfast time. Al was wide eyed, staring ahead into space as he sipped from what looked like a mug of beer.

"It never stops."

"What never stops?"

Al slowly moved his eyes to Orik, his head lagging behind a few seconds.

"_It never stops. He never stops!"_

Orik scooted off the seat before slowly backing away from the boy, never taking his eyes off of him, for fear of being attacked.

**The Homunculus:**

"What's the big deal with all of us getting stuck in one room?"

"Lust, I'm hungry?"

"I want more space! I need more space!"

"Mommy, Greed stole my bed!"

"Oh Gluttony, what did you eat for dinner?"

"I'm the Fuhrer damn it! I should get my own room!"

Durza growled, this happened every night, no matter how hard he thumped the ceiling with a broom.

--

"You know," Al said, lazily petting Magny "I heard were-cats were rare, so where did you come from?"

_We aren't all that rare, just most of us were turned into porcupines._

"Porcupines?"

_Yes, those things with the quills._

"I know what porcupines are, but how?"

_How should I know, I'm just a kitten after all._

"Are you talking to that cat again Al?"

"Oh hi R- what happened to your face?"

The flame alchemist's face was covered in bruises and red hand shape marks. A bag of ice was perched on top of one nasty bump. Roy sighed and sat down next to Al. "Well once again I was trying to bring joy to this dark underground city."

Al rolled his eyes "You tried to make some woman wear a mini skirt again, didn't you?"

"What me? No! That would be indecent, forcing a woman to wear something she didn't want to!"

Al raised an eye brow and Roy sighed.

"Ok, maybe I burned a hem to end at mid calf, but I need to see some legs!" Roy grabbed Al's shoulders and started to shake him back and forth, succeeding in catapulting Magny onto the ground

"Aren't you a man? Don't you feel that need?"

"What need?"

"The need to do it!"

"Do what?"

"God damn it Al, you can't be that pure!"

Al blinked, still utterly confused. Roy looked the boy in the eyes. "What do your underwear look like?"

"Umm, they're blue boxers, why?"

"Good there is some hope for you yet. Al, I'm talking about sex." At the word Sex, Al's pupils contracted to little pin points as he flashed back to when his brother tried to explain it to him many years ago.

"_So then the mommy lies down and the daddy pokes her, and blood squirts out all over the place! And there is screaming and squirming and kicking and stuff. Then the daddy stops poking her, but she keeps screaming and kicking as her belly gets bigger then it explodes and out comes a baby."_

"_H-how do you know this brother?"_

"_It happened to Mommy when you were born."_

_Al paled and stared to scream "AHHHHHHH-_

-HHHHHHHH!"

"Al? Are you ok?"

"AAAAHHHHH!"

Al jumped up, ran around in little circles, before tripping over Orik and falling onto the grounds, out cold.

"What's wrong with the lad?" Orik asked, starring at Al as Magny licked his face to try and wake him. Roy just sat there scratching his chin.

"He really is that pure."

--

Envy sat in the dark, the blanket wrapped around him, in his left hand a candle and in his right hand an axe. "Try to jump me now, you stupid tree."

For four nights straight Envy had been attacked in bed by the elf-tree. He had screamed loud enough to not be raped, but he was still worried.

WOOSH!

A breeze blew in and the candle flame flickered out. Envy threw the candle out the window, and held onto the axe with both hands.

All of a sudden, he smelled apples. On his table he could see a bowl that wasn't there before. Looking around to make sure he was indeed alone he scurried over to the bowl and scooped some of what ever was in it out with his finger before licking it off.

"Applesauce?" _Thud_.

The next morning Envy awoke on the floor. Nothing seemed or felt out of the ordinary, he had no make up on, or a dress, and he was wearing cloths, so he left it alone. Over the next five days there was no word from the tree, until…

"Oh Envy dear!" said tree elf came skipping over to him one morning.

"What? You want to try and rape me again?"

"Oh but I already did that!" The tree laughed as Envy just stared opening and closing his mouth.

"Any way I have a surprise for you! Here take it!" The tree elf threw something at Envy, which hit him in the head and bounced off and landed into his hand. Envy watched as the tree ran at lightspeed away from him.

"Have fun!" was the last thing he ever heard from that tree. Envy decided now was a good time to look at what was thrown at him.

"Mommy?"

In his palm was a child roughly the size of a size seven shoe with an acorn cap on its head and green hair poking out from under it.

"Mommy?" Envy mimicked. Envy shook his head. "Listen kid, I'm not you mother."

"You're not?" The kid stared at him, sucking his thumb.

"No."

The kid started to tear, before its whole facial expression changed to a manic smile before the acorn child Jumped up to bite Envy's nose.

"What the hell!" Envy screamed as he started to claw at his face and the child, but it stayed put. Envy ran off, trying to find some one to pull the acorn off.

Winry and Riza were having a nice picnic outside until Envy ran over the blanket with blood running down his face, and a growth wearing an acorn cap on his nose. "Envy what is that?" Riza asked.

"I don't know but get it off."

Riza sighed and plucked the thing off. She stared at it as it sat in her hand. Winry looked down at it. "I think it's cute."

The acorn sniffled before jumping off Riza's hand and biting down on Winry's nose instead.

"Changed my mind! Not cute! HELP!"

Envy, not caring about the child because it wasn't on his nose any more, started to walk away. The child, seeing this, stopped biting Winry's nose and started to cry.

"Mommy!"

Winry and Riza looked at each other.

"Mommy?"

Envy froze, almost flinching at the words.

"Envy, is this your child."

"Ah, um, could be."

Winry took the child off her nose and deposited it onto Envy's head, the child squweeed happily and started to nom on some of Envy's hair.

"Why do I have to watch it?" Envy whined.

"Because no one else wants to watch your acorn."

"I think it just piddled in my hair."

"Well good luck washing it out Mommy."

The two girls, one with a bloody nose, stormed off. Envy shook his head.

"Well Acorn thingy, now what?"

"BWOOD!" The child giggled.

"Umm, how about some applesauce instead?"

"Ok!"

As it turns out Acorn didn't pee in Envy's hair, but apple did help curb his inherited homicidal tendencies.

--

"Hey Wrath?"

"Yeah Greed"

"Remember when I said you were the most messed up kid I ever laid eyes on?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I just changed my mind."

"What makes you say that?"

"My palm tree senses are tingling."

"…Shut up and keep walking, we have to find the shrimp."

"Found him."

"WHERE!"

"Riiiight here!"

"Why are you pointing at…hey! I'll bite that finger off!"

"I'd like to see you try."

"Oh, I will try"

"And become the toothless boy wonder?"

"I could just use alchemy to make your finger fall off."

"And if you did I would just stick it up your ass."

"Pedophile."

"What?"

"You're a pedophile."

"You're not really 11."

"Fuck off."

"No real 11 year-old would have a mouth like you."

"Full of sharp pointy teeth?"

"I meant potty mouth, but yeah, that too."

"I'm ignoring you"

"No you aren't, you had to acknowledge me to state that."

"Well I am now"

"You still aren't"

"When I'm done with this sentence then I am."

"Fine be that way, I'll ignore you after this sentence too then."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I'm bored Greed"

"Me too, want to sing?"

"…No."

"Ok then, let's just keep walking in silence looking for the shrimp and company.'

"Fine, sounds good."

"…"

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, right here standing in a row, big ones, small ones some the size as you head-"

"I said no signing!

"Sorry."

--

Once again we join our heroic group as they argue about which way they should be heading.

Well at least half of out group. Saphira was in the forest and Brom was off trying to figure out how to replace the slaves come the full moon. So in the mean time Eragon, Ed, and Mercury, who was stuffed in Ed's travel pack, were walking around Dras-Leona.

Well Eragon was walking; Ed was more like following the boy as he wondered into the evil looking church that loomed over the city like a…doom church.

"Why are we going in here? Can we not? I have a bad past when is comes to churches, stupid sun god."

"I just, want to look."

Ed sighed "Ok, but if we some how get attacked and in a big fight in this church, I will kill you."

Eragon rolled his eyes and the two entered the church. Ed looked at the stained-glass as Eragon knelt at the stone alter.

"Why are you praying?"

"I'm not, I'm just thinking."

"Strange place to think. Be careful, God might smite you because of your thoughts."

Eragon tried not to growl at the other boy, and instead went back to his thoughts. Ed sighed and began to look at the stain glass windows. Going behind the altar Ed then proceeded to try to keep him self from playing with the organ. It was very hard to do. Even Mercury, who had stuck her head out of the bag, was having a hard time ignoring the shiny white keys.

Thwang!

Ed spun around at the sound, slightly shocked.

"God Eragon, what are you- What the hell are those?"

Eragon didn't answer, and instead fired two more arrows, but the two bird-men like creatures dodged them and started to run down the aisles and into the pews.

"Eragon?"

Now soldiers were flooding into the large cathedral. Ed stared as Eragon started to run through a vestibule. Seeing no other choice, Ed followed, running as fast as a metal leg could allow.

"Why the hell are they chasing us?" Ed shouted, noting gravely that the Ra'zac were just behind them.

"Because they want to kill me!" Eragon shouted back, after destroying a door using a word of magic

"Yeah, well, if they kill me too, I am so coming back as a homunculus and killing your ass!"

Following Eragon, since he seemed to know his way around a church more than Ed could ever hope to, proved a little hap hazardous. He nearly killed two monks, fell into four cooking fires, and almost squished Mercury into a brick wall as he jumped up after Eragon had dragged him self over and jumped down to the other side.

_Be careful!! I am delicate!_

"Oh shut up, you aren't the one running!"

The two teens continues to kill shrubbery, and nearly overturn stalls and people before the stopped to catch their breath in a crowed market place.

"Remember what I said…about me…and churches?" Ed huffed.

"Could you…save killing me…for later?"

"As long as…I can do it…slowly."

"Saphira says Brom will meet us back at the inn, come on."

"This is no time for him to get drunk again!"

_I highly doubt that's why we are meeting him at the inn_

Ed would have growled back at his dragon, but Eragon had started to run again.

"What is it with you and running?"

_Run fat boy, run!_

"Shut up! You don't have a metal leg! Hell you don't even walk!"

_Humph! _

When they reached the inn, Brom was already on top of his horse, ready to get going. Eragon jumped onto his, and Ed stood their panting, because even though he had learned to ride a horse, he still refused to ride at the same time as some one else. The group was off running again before Ed was given a chance to once again whine or bicker with Brom. Soon they were out of the city, though they did not stop running. Eragon had taken flight on Saphira's back, while Ed has taken his place on the horse.

At night when the winds became too strong, Saphira and Eragon landed, and though both Brom and Ed hated the idea, they started to walk the horses rather then have them gallop so Saphira could keep up. Dragon's were not made for ground travel, and thus, she faired a little better then a hippo out of water.

When it got too dark they made camp, and sat there, in the dark.

"It's too quiet." Ed sighed as he fed meat scraps to Mercury.

"As long as it's quiet it means we are alone, which is what we want." Brom squirmed, trying to find a comfortable stop to rest against the boulder.

Eragon was somber, staring out into the woods.

"See anything interesting?"

Eragon turned to face him. "Not really, I thought I saw a bird, but then again-"

Darkness

--

"Mommy!"

Envy, only looking over the top of his apple at the sound of Acorn's voice, and not the word that was used to address him, raised an eyebrow at the scene he saw.

The small nut like child was running back and forth over a span of a few yards, being chased continuously by five or so squirrels.

"Help mommy!"

Envy sat back with a smile, and took another bite of his apple.

Dinner and a show, it didn't get much better than this.

--

"Hey Orik?"

"Yes Al?"

"How come we are always sitting on benches?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when ever Draye writes a scene with us, it always involves us sitting on a bench…there must be plenty to do around Farthen Dur then just sitting around…right?"

"Well lad, we could fight, or get drunk"

"…I think I like my bench."

--

_**Oh god, if you're going to kill someone, please make it Draye. I mean, **__**I **__**thought it was funny, in the way that crackfics are funny…Dude, what the hell is that girl ON?**_


	11. Stalkerisms

**Emerald here. Look, it's not like this story's on any kind of **_**schedule**_** or anything. It's not like anyone's **_**expecting**_** it to be updated by any time, or else you would have lynched us long ago.**

**It's official, I can't write crack. Which I think is a good thing, because if Draye was writing this chapter she might have Greed and Ed get into a bitchfight about something stupid like stalking. Wait…**

**Since we (I) decided to get some plot covered, this chapter focuses solely on Ed. Oh yay. My excitement knows no bounds.**

**Chapter 11: Stalkerisms**

"_See anything interesting?"_

_Eragon turned to face him. "Not really, I thought I saw a bird, but then again-"_

_Darkness_

--

_Oldest one in the proverbial goddamn book…_ was the first thing Ed thought upon waking up. Because really, it was. 'Oh I heard a noise but I didn't see anything so it must be nothing!' and then WHAP you're captured. This, apparently, worked_ every fucking time._

Through his own throbbing headache, Ed heard movement to his left and looked in that direction; it seemed Eragon was awake._ Oh joy._ The old geezer was still out; Ed noticed that all their arms were tied together, his in such a way that he couldn't clap his hands to do any alchemy.

Now Ed made the mistake of looking directly in front of him, because whatever it was looking at him, it was WAY too close, and Ed went cross-eyed trying to see it properly. "Um. Move?" he said, not too politely. The thing, whatever it was, moved back a little, and now Ed saw that it was a…well, he still didn't know what it was. So he did what any scientist would do and asked.

"What the hell _are _you?!" Out the corner of his eye Ed saw Eragon laughing silently until something pushed the Ra'zac out of the way.

"I know, aren't they weird?" said the pusher. "But hey, now I'm here!" The person was revealed to be none other than Greed, who smiled at Ed innocently.

Ed was quiet for a few seconds while he tried to think of something to say. Eventually he replied with "I'm sorry, I just don't think of you that way."

"…Whuh?"

"Well, you homunculi must be in love with me or something because you're STALKING ME!" Ed glared at Greed, who looked back at him with an expression of pure horror.

"What? EW! No! You're a weird human, and I'm not gay! Augh!" Greed rubbed his forehead in what could have only been an attempt to block some horrible mental images.

"You're imagining it, though," Ed pointed out with obvious glee. "I really am sorry. Try someone else. Eragon, maybe."

"Shut up!" Greed glared some more.

"Hey!" Eragon was just confused.

"I'll have you know that I happen to hate you quite a lot!" insisted Greed.

Ed was in Sarcasm Mode; his happy place, so to speak. "Yes, and that's why you captured my brother solely for the purpose of meeting me. Because you hate me. Naturally."

"WOULD YOU STOP IT!"

One Ra'zac looked at the other. "Why do we work with him again?"

The other shrugged. "Hissss majessty'sss ordersss."

Eragon was putting two and two together. "Is he like that woman and the boy?"

"Hey." Greed turned to look at Eragon. "I'm _much _cooler than they are. Don't even try to put us on the same level."

Ed scratched a transmutation circle into the ground; if he couldn't clap his hands, he could always resort to alchemy the old-fashioned way. "You're just as stalkerish as them, though," he said as he touched the circle and untied himself and Eragon. "Let me handle him, your sword won't work."

As Eragon went to deal with the Ra'zac in whatever way he saw fit, Ed and Greed faced off. Seeing as there were no women around, Greed turned into his Ultimate Shield form.

"What's _that_?" asked Eragon. While he was staring at Greed, he failed to notice as the Ra'zac were suddenly hit with some arrows. Ed rolled his eyes. "Are you going to keep staring at him or save the geezer's sorry ass?"

"Well it's not like you could kill me or anything, midget," muttered Greed.

"DON'T! CALL! ME! SHORT!" screamed Ed, turning his arm into a spear and running at Greed. The homunculus just stood there, until he realized that Ed probably remembered how to fight him from their previous encounter.

"Aww, crap," said Greed as Ed's automail arm buried itself in his ribcage. "You killed me, dammit."

"Good!" said Ed, still seething over the 'midget' comment. "Now get back here so I can do it again and again and again, because THAT IS WHAT I DO TO PEOPLE WHO CALL ME A MICROSCOPIC FRUIT FLY!"

"I never called you that!"

"WELL YOU MEANT TO!" Ed repeatedly stabbed Greed in various places as the homunculus tried to reason with him.

"You aren't making any sense!"

"You are a hater of vertically-challenged people!"

Greed smacked his forehead, but before he could retort the Ra'zac grabbed his arms and began dragging him away.

Ed stared. "Wait! We're not done fighting!" Down the road, Greed was making the same protests.

"Too bad! We're done here! We will meet again, Ridersss!" hissed the Ra'zac. Ed rolled his eyes at the cliché of the statement, but gave Greed a parting shot— "See you soon, stalker!"

"I AM NOT YOUR STALKER!"

"YES YOU ARE!" And with an exasperated sigh, Ed returned his attention to his travelling companions, and noticed that there was a new person among them. Actually, this new person happened to be the only conscious one besides Ed and the dragons, so naturally the diminutive alchemist took the obvious assumption that this was an enemy.

"So who are you, exactly?" said Ed as he walked up to the man.

"I'm Murtagh. What the hell kind of arm is that?" asked Murtagh, pointing to Ed's automail.

Ed smacked his forehead. "It's automail, can we please skip this whole exchange where you wonder what it is and I get pissed off that you're asking so many questions?"

"Um…sure. Can you please stop pointing that spear thing on your arm at me?"

"No." Ed continued to wave his arm in Murtagh's face. "What are you doing here?"

Mercury flapped over and landed on Ed's head. _He's our friend!_ She began chewing on Ed's hair, as she seemed to always do whenever she was on someone's head.

"Why do you do that?" he asked irritably.

_Why do you care?_ she replied, munching away.

"Where did that dragon come from?" asked a shocked Murtagh.

"How come everyone's passed out?"

_Not everyone, just Eragon and Brom,_ interjected Saphira. _And I'll have you stop this petty squabbling, now._ This was emphasized with a growl and she flexed her claws.

Ed muttered something that probably wasn't very nice under his breath, and Mercury giggled. "So what's wrong with them, anyway?" he said aloud.

"Well, the old man, Brom did you say? He took a knife for Eragon," began Murtagh. "Eragon just seems to have passed out."

_Wuss,_ said Mercury cheerfully as she moved on to Murtagh's hair. He swatted her away, to no avail.

"This is going to be a nightmare, isn't it?" muttered Murtagh.

"Oh, you haven't seen anything yet." Ed smiled. "Just wait till you start travelling with us."

* * *

**It could have been longer, I freely admit that (so I don't want any reviewers telling me it was too short). I just had to post this chapter before it drove me insane.**

**Death Note Owner13: ha ha ha indeed.**

**sock monkeys: it comes with the internet. And the coffee. And the insomnia! I should probably go to sleep sometime before midnight.**

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: you're welcome!**

**CrimsonKitsune333: ah, crack. Without it, fanfiction would be forever stuck in the romance genre. **

**Half Human Homunculi: you're very welcome.**

**Well, you're out of my hands now. Let's see Draye get you through Brom's death.**


End file.
